Harsh Reality Check

Never in my life have I had a nightmare that woke me up in pure panic.



Maybe it's because David is always so nervous about what Glaiden puts in his mouth. Maybe it's because I take for granted how healthy and happy my children are. Is it God's way of saying, "Your husband isn't over reacting... you are under reacting. Pay more attention or this very well COULD happen to you." Maybe it was just a nightmare for no absolute reason.... but none the less....I woke up bawling, hyperventilating and completely 100% grateful that my baby was Okay, sound asleep in his crib. Still breathing.



Dream:



You know how dreams are. Even if they are ones that seem completely viable... they're never quite real. I was teaching something somewhere to some strangers... I think it was a group of my previous teachers from high school... who knows why. I thought it looked like we were in the lounge of the restaurant that I work at (and was at until 11:00 last night) but at one point it turned into a huge stadium. Again, who knows why. Anyway, in the middle of my "lesson", a secretary comes and tells me that I have to go home. Now. I tell her that I only have a minute left and to tell my husband I will be there as soon as I can. She says, "I think you really need to go, they said this was an emergency." She looked at the message that, apparently, someone else had given to her and her eyes grew wide and the color from her face drained. I snatched the paper from her glanced and saw the words "baby" and "choked" and "can't" and "not breathing" and ran outside... or into the stadium I guess. (I just thought of it. Maybe it's because we were talking about the county fair and rodeo at work last night. - Rodeo - Stadium - makes sense to me) I grab a police officer and tell him I need a ride home NOW as I shoved the scribbled message into his hands. He grabs me by the arm, I think to hold me up, and rushes me to his car. He calls for an ambulance to get there and then starts asking all kinds of ridiculous questions as we're racing home and I can't think..."JUST GET ME HOME!"

I finally see the ambulance lights and I think I jumped out of the car before he stopped it. I run to the house, trip on something of course (this is how real this nightmare seemed) and I see a paramedic, David leaning over my youngest baby boy... and the last thing I see is them sit up and I see Glaiden (Not a dream Glaiden... it was him. Fingernails-filled-with-dirt-from-the-park Glaiden) gray and lifeless. And I wake up. My heart was pounding, I start hyperventilating, sobbing hysterically and I can't calm down. I even go into his room and feel his chest to make sure he's still breathing. I woke David up with my sobs and he tried to calm me down, but he didn't really get it. He said, "It's okay, Honey... it was only a dream. He's okay." and all I can think is that I SAW HIM that way. I saw him lifeless. Helpless. And I didn't even get to see if we saved him.

Who dreams things like that?! I'm still mad. Throughout the day today, nothing that little boy does irritates me in the slightest. I'm SO happy to be able to know that it was a nightmare, and that he's laughing and playing Red Rover with his big brother and sister. But still. That image won't leave my mind. I cry when it pops into my head still. I cry while I write this, but I write it hoping that it will make me realize that I shouldn't be so upset. It was just a dream. Well, nightmare. Buy I'm still upset by it. Nothing is working to calm me down. I feel like it wasn't fair that I had to dream that. I can't control my dreams.... so who does? And what kind of a cruel joke was that?

I am so grateful to have 3 healthy, beautiful, happy children. I take them for granted sometimes I think. Maybe that's what it was for. Maybe I was losing my patience all too often and this was my "Chill out! Things can be way worse you know." moment. That worked. Today I'm calm, but sad for those that have lost children, or gone through things that no parent should have to endure. It's not fair. They are so innocent.

So for now, I am going to take this gorgeous day and go outside and play with my babies. Push them on the swings if they want pushed and play in the dirt.