"Belly Hurt...Belly Hurt Weally Bad Mom!"

Sad sick baby. He's been throwing up all day. No fever, no ear aches or new teeth (that I know of)... just throwing up. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. So for the little while he is asleep I thought I would change up the blog a little and say hi.

Hi.

David's hunting and I miss him so much. Is that clingy? I try not to be. I know he loves his hunting season. He looks forward to it all year. It's just with him working Monday through Friday 8-5 and me working the nights/weekends he's home... we don't see eachother. It sucks and I really miss him. I cried a little when he left today, and I'm still sad.

Man, I'm in the pitty me mode tonight huh? Blah.

I love David. More than I did yesterday or the day before that. I'm glad that he has a good job and that I do too. I'm thrilled that, very rarely, do I have to find a babysitter for my kids when I go to work. I'm lucky to have a husband who is willing to stay with kids on one of my only nights off during the week so I can go to Zumba or even, on occasion, a movie and dessert with some girlfriends. My boys have a great dad who takes them camping for some boy time while Jessah and I curl up in bed with ice cream and watch "Mama Mia" together. The kids have a dad that cooks dinner for them almost every night because mom has been working so many nights that she barely knows how to cook anymore!

That makes me feel better. To know what I have and to put it into words. I think we all have those days where we feel like the world is conspiring against us. He's going hunting, the baby's sick, I need a sitter for Friday so I can go to work while he's gone, there's laundry to do, books to read, chore charts to check off, animals to feed, and dishes to be done. But look at what I have! Are you kidding? I feel dumb for even posting this, but I'm doing it anyway to have something to come back and look at when this mood rears its ugly head again. (because it has a habit of coming back.)

Anyway, thanks for listening to my pity party. :) Good night!

Harsh Reality Check

Never in my life have I had a nightmare that woke me up in pure panic.



Maybe it's because David is always so nervous about what Glaiden puts in his mouth. Maybe it's because I take for granted how healthy and happy my children are. Is it God's way of saying, "Your husband isn't over reacting... you are under reacting. Pay more attention or this very well COULD happen to you." Maybe it was just a nightmare for no absolute reason.... but none the less....I woke up bawling, hyperventilating and completely 100% grateful that my baby was Okay, sound asleep in his crib. Still breathing.



Dream:



You know how dreams are. Even if they are ones that seem completely viable... they're never quite real. I was teaching something somewhere to some strangers... I think it was a group of my previous teachers from high school... who knows why. I thought it looked like we were in the lounge of the restaurant that I work at (and was at until 11:00 last night) but at one point it turned into a huge stadium. Again, who knows why. Anyway, in the middle of my "lesson", a secretary comes and tells me that I have to go home. Now. I tell her that I only have a minute left and to tell my husband I will be there as soon as I can. She says, "I think you really need to go, they said this was an emergency." She looked at the message that, apparently, someone else had given to her and her eyes grew wide and the color from her face drained. I snatched the paper from her glanced and saw the words "baby" and "choked" and "can't" and "not breathing" and ran outside... or into the stadium I guess. (I just thought of it. Maybe it's because we were talking about the county fair and rodeo at work last night. - Rodeo - Stadium - makes sense to me) I grab a police officer and tell him I need a ride home NOW as I shoved the scribbled message into his hands. He grabs me by the arm, I think to hold me up, and rushes me to his car. He calls for an ambulance to get there and then starts asking all kinds of ridiculous questions as we're racing home and I can't think..."JUST GET ME HOME!"

I finally see the ambulance lights and I think I jumped out of the car before he stopped it. I run to the house, trip on something of course (this is how real this nightmare seemed) and I see a paramedic, David leaning over my youngest baby boy... and the last thing I see is them sit up and I see Glaiden (Not a dream Glaiden... it was him. Fingernails-filled-with-dirt-from-the-park Glaiden) gray and lifeless. And I wake up. My heart was pounding, I start hyperventilating, sobbing hysterically and I can't calm down. I even go into his room and feel his chest to make sure he's still breathing. I woke David up with my sobs and he tried to calm me down, but he didn't really get it. He said, "It's okay, Honey... it was only a dream. He's okay." and all I can think is that I SAW HIM that way. I saw him lifeless. Helpless. And I didn't even get to see if we saved him.

Who dreams things like that?! I'm still mad. Throughout the day today, nothing that little boy does irritates me in the slightest. I'm SO happy to be able to know that it was a nightmare, and that he's laughing and playing Red Rover with his big brother and sister. But still. That image won't leave my mind. I cry when it pops into my head still. I cry while I write this, but I write it hoping that it will make me realize that I shouldn't be so upset. It was just a dream. Well, nightmare. Buy I'm still upset by it. Nothing is working to calm me down. I feel like it wasn't fair that I had to dream that. I can't control my dreams.... so who does? And what kind of a cruel joke was that?

I am so grateful to have 3 healthy, beautiful, happy children. I take them for granted sometimes I think. Maybe that's what it was for. Maybe I was losing my patience all too often and this was my "Chill out! Things can be way worse you know." moment. That worked. Today I'm calm, but sad for those that have lost children, or gone through things that no parent should have to endure. It's not fair. They are so innocent.

So for now, I am going to take this gorgeous day and go outside and play with my babies. Push them on the swings if they want pushed and play in the dirt.

Here's How I Feel About It

My husband probably cooks more than 50% of the dinners in our house. He does 90% of the yard work, 0% of the laundry... ok, maybe 10%, about 50% of putting kids to bed, 20% of the diaper changes and about 25-30% of the other cleaning around here.

That leaves me doing less than 50% of our dinners, about 10% of the yard work, 50% of the laundry (I know that doesn't add up to 100% of laundry being done. Did you read the last post? Folding doesn't happen very often). I put the kids to bed 50% of the time and do about 70-75% of the other cleaning. He works 40+ (sometimes +++) hours a week. I work anywhere from 15-20 hours a week. I make $3.50 an hour. He makes almost 5 times what I make.

We are both, very happy with this arrangement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So being completely lazier than I should be today, I was taking a look at KSL.com. You know, just browsing around, seeing if there was anything happy to report, funny news, blah, blah, blah. Really, just browsing. I came across a report that shows a study of working mothers having a lower self-esteem because they're not in the home with their children as much as they "should" be. Then it linked to this MSNBC story saying that working mothers are resentful? BAHHH! Here is why it REALLY pushes my buttons. And I'm even a (mostly) stay-at-home mom.

First of all, didn't women push and shove and scream and yell and pull hair to get equal rights? Did we not (even recently, if I'm not mistaken) whine and moan about not being treated equally in the workplace?

Now normally -like if I'm having an "argument" with my husband about me changing my mind all of the time- I'd say "What can I say? We're women." But truth be told, that's not really an excuse for our behavior.

(Disclaimer: it still ALWAYS applies if you are trying to pick out an outfit/shoes/jewelry/or pretty girl nail polish, or want to win an argument with your significant other).

Anyway, I must be missing the point because I really don't think that having a family means having Dad come home, sit on his rear, ask what's for dinner, tell the kids to be quiet because he's watching "his" show, and then say "Goodnight kids, I love you. Hey, Honey? Can you grab me another beer?" Nope, not on your life... Honey.

Honestly, I am more than happy most of the nights that I am at work because I know my husband and father to my children is more than capable to make dinner, feed the kids, clean them up and put them in clean jammies, having them clean up after themselves (the majority of the time) and putting them to bed. Sometimes he even lets them pick a movie from the Netflix instant queue and sits with them to watch a movie... yeah, he's an awesome Dad - and partner for that matter.

So back to the, um, studies... are women bitching just to bitch? There's single moms out there who work their arses off to provide for themselves and their children. Why don't you ask them if they would feel more depressed to have some help. I doubt it. I've been there. It sucked to have zero help. I have seen all sides of this spectrum too. I was married to AJ and Jessah's dad for a mere 2 1/2 years and worked and recieved very little help from him. Not only did I not get the help that I needed, but neither did the kids. It was miserable just so you all know. After that lovely experience (lovely being sarcastic, but did you see what I got outta that deal?? Nothing could be better)

... Ha ha! I love them!

Oh yeah, back to the point. After that, ahem, expierience, and a few other no-need-to-mention expieriences, I moved to Logan with my two kids and nothing else, a ghetto apartment on the "bad" block of Logan, where my neighbors fought all of the time, my roof looked like it would fall down on top of us, and I was sleeping on a air mattress that I had to re-inflate every night because it didn't hold air very well. I woke up in the mornings, got my self ready, woke up my 2 children, took them to an amazing day-care that the state paid for (all but $400 worth per month), worked anywhere from 7-8:00AM to 5-6:00 PM. Went to the store usually after work usually just to wander, because the less amount of time I had to be at home, the better. Came home, bathed kids, watched a movie with them on the floor because we had one glider chair and no other furniture in our family room, and then put them to bed. Repeat that Monday through Friday. On the weekends, I drove to my parents' house in Ogden because I didn't have anything else to really do that could keep me out of the apartment. I hated it. HATED it. But I did it. I did it all by myself until David came into my life.

I love this man right here.

This is what a husband should be. A best friend. A partner to debate with. Someone to cry to. Someone to pick on. Someone to help. Someone who doesn't expect me to do anything, besides be there for him and the kids. And at the same time, I don't expect him to do anything either. We share our responsibilites. We share our life. I am very lucky, I know, but if women have a husband like mine.... you're lucky too. No reason to be bummed. Really. It's worse without him.

I AM LUCKY

Really? Yeah, Really.

The idea for this post has been floating around in my head for a week (scratch that, two weeks now - and I really need to not procrastinate anymore but I'll get to that later.) I kind of put it off because it was a Monday and I thought Oh relax. It's just an off day... that's all. I was pretty upset when Monday rolled around again this week... Seriously? Another one? I decided that it's not an off day... it's how Monday's for mom's are supposed to be.

Moms. I love being a mom. I don't mind any of my Mom names: mom, mommy, mamamamama, or just mama. MMMOOOOOMMMM gets annoying once in a while, but I'm getting used to it.

The gist. I have come to the point of being a mom where I finally took a deep breath and said, "Roll with it, because this is just what it is." What's the it you ask? It is motherhood. Of course it's fantastic, rewarding, thrilling, exciting, busy, and all in all, amazing. But. (Yes, there's a but.) It can also be depressing, annoying, disappointing, dramatic, sad, exhausting, and disgusting. Even if you don't want it to be that way - to bad, so sad, Charlie. We are not perfect and therefore, cannot raise our kids to be perfect.

Well, perfect is the wrong word, I think. Raising children is definitely a day-to-day challenge. It doesn't always work as well as we'd like. Or as smoothly as we'd like it to for that matter.

Example(s) that every mom needs to admit, and that every future mom should expect:

Did I ever in a billion lifetimes think that MY kid would be that whiny? Nope. I won't give him/her a reason to be.

Did I ever think that I would let my daughter have out of control hair when we went to the store? Ha ha. NO. I was always good at doing hair. I love it. I have some super cute ways to do hair. I sometimes even shook my head when mothers went shopping and their daughters' hair wasn't done. How hard is it? Really?
I'm really sorry for that, by the way. I understand now.

Did I ever think that my kids would be in pants that were a little bit too short? Um, negative. Do you know how fast they grow? Do you know how fast that $$ adds up?

Did I ever in a million-trillion years think that I would lose my cool like MY mom did* when I did something wrong?** No. Not me. I didn't like it, so why would I do that?
*when you're little - your mom loses her cool. When you are a mom and you look back. You think - wow, how did she put up with me?
**as in something she told me over and over and over again not to do because of such and such a reason and I did it anyway. Probably repeatedly. Sorry Mom.

Did I think that I would make wrong decisions? Well...probably. I thought that things would come to me naturally though. It would be hard, but I'd think before I acted. Oops.

Do I like the fact that I have zero capability to keep the laundry folded at all times? No, as a matter of fact, I wish I liked folding laundry, but I don't. In fact it's more often than not that my laundry is out on my coffee table, in my living room, unfolded. If you really expect to be in a spotless home when you come over, give me a warning that you're on your way and a heads up that you don't want to see my unfolded (albiet clean) laundry in my family room and dirty dishes in the sink and I will give it a good go, but I can't promise anything.

Did I think that I'd be in the store with my 18 month old and a gross nose? No, but if you want to hear the blood curtling scream while you use the strenght of 10 men to hold his head still and pick the mess out of his nose so it stops running and looking gross for the 5 seconds that you look at my son - have a go, but if you break his neck trying to hold him still - I will break yours.

Did I think that my 4 year old wouldn't be potty trained at 4? No. As far as I was concerned, they'd have it down at 18 months. 2 years at the oldest. Ahahahahaha!

Is life really unfair? Is there really a rule that can exempt you because "You're the mom?" YEP. There sure is. It's called the sanity rule. Kids are to eat cereal or a real breakfast in the morning. Sometimes doughnuts and poptarts and leftover pizza are ok. But only mom's and dad's are allowed to eat brownies, cake or cookies for their breakfast. Because we're the parents... that's why.

- P*A*U*S*E - Baby emergency. AKA He's not going to bed like my 18 month old should. He needs mom to rock him to sleep - still. So what?

-P*L*A*Y - Next Morning. So he slept in my bed until 3 AM. Did I want him to? No. Did I need him to? YES. Momma needs her sleep.

Sorry folks, that was the procrastinating that I talked about in the first part of my little schpeel. I get distracted and it takes a bit to get back to what I was trying to do. It happens. I thought that even with kids, I'd be able to get things done on time. That one was just bad judgement. I have always been a procrastinator... that's a hard habit to outgrow even, er, I mean especially with kids.

And for my most miserable Mom Moment... (Yes - you'll get them - and I know this wasn't my last) Remember this miserably long post?? Read the last paragraph of that novel and know that once - maybe even twice... ahem... in one day, you will lose a child. If you don't... feel very blessed. As easy as it is, and as innocent as it usually will be, it is by far one of the worst, most unbearable point as a parent to not know where your child is... but it happens!

We're not perfect. We can't stop every bad thing that might happen. We can't always make them get along with other kids. Sometimes they won't say please or thank you. They will draw (with pen, crayons and/or marker - sometimes permanent on your somewhat new and pretty and always clean (hahaha) furniture/walls/doors/back of the seat in the truck and themselves. They'll hang from a tree with every little ounce of strength that they have when they've been told, and told and told again that that's probably not the safest tree to climb. They will nap when you don't want them to and then be awake all night some nights. They will sleep in your bed when you swore to yourself they never would and cry just because - just like we do. They'll fight, hit, bite, yell, say they hate you and stomp down the stairs and yes, (you were right Mom and Dad) it is an attitude, and it is NOT ok. Even when they're little.

Always remember though, Mom... that when they are hanging from that tree, or calling your name in the park, they are calling YOUR name. They need you. They are looking for MOM and for comfort that you bring to them. Even after you yell at them or put them in time out. It's amazing... Being a mom. Kids are so forgiving for all of the small mistakes that we make. (And there's a lot of them)

As mom's, we need to remember that there are going to be hundreds of thousands of times in the years that we raise kids (and I've only been doing it for 5 1/2 years, ugh) that we will make mistakes, jump to wrong conclusions (and never admit that they were the wrong one), lose you're cool, and completely lose your common sense. Sometimes, you will probably want to go to work instead of stay home with your kids. (Just admit it. It's really, really, really okay.... there's times you miss the adult conversations). Sometimes you just want a day to yourself. Sometimes you need to lock yourself in the bedroom for 5 (possibly 15) minutes and re-teach yourself how to breathe. It's ok. Promise. I'm not crazy, I think I'm just writing what every mom thinks once in a while. (Probably more than that, but you can tell yourself once in a while if you want)

I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. The kids aren't perfect. This life just isn't perfect. But I'm pretty sure that it's not supposed to be. Wouldn't it be boring? We'd have no emotion. We would get excited about having all the laundry done. We wouldn't be happy when the kids went to bed on time. We wouldn't need vacations, or romantic weekends...Just so you know, I like vacations. I like them so much that I have a mini one every night that I go to work. It's a break from my reality and it's good for me. I like romantic weekends with my husband and no kids. I didn't marry him for the kids. I married him for me and them. Sometimes I want him all to myself and I'm pretty sure that that is okay.

Remember that it's all part of being a mom.

It's Only March

Ok, so it's March 2nd... technically the 3rd (it's exactly 12:00 AM as I start this post - David is currently snoring next to me, preventing any idea of sleep that I had). From now on, I am making absolutely no promises on when my next post will be... Apparently I'm not the best at keeping those promises and, frankly, I don't want to be thought of as the girl who brakes her promises. :)

My last post was about Glaiden's first haircut. Ha! There's been a couple more since then, and I hate giving them. He was fabulous that first haircut and that's probably why I posted a blog about it. You know, the proud mom... "He was SO good!". Yeah, that was totally for the camera... NOT the way it is now.

Anyway, that was October 2nd... As for the rest of October,the Little Man turned one, It was a somewhat relaxing month filled with a lot of family time. The neglected blog posts for that month probably would have included a few more pictures of the birthday boy and his cake, a post about going to Boo at the Zoo with Krystal, Brett, Berk, Holli, and Heather, and Halloween of course!

November and December were amazing months. We did our first Thanksgiving at our house this year! That was definitely a BIG deal and it turned out AMAZING! Thanks so much to everyone that came. It was so awesome! The biggest news of '09 came the day after Thanksgiving though... No, no Black Friday shopping this year.. David and I decided to get married on December 30th! A month to plan a wedding?!?! A month with my birthday, then Christmas and then a wedding.. hahaha! I laugh when I think of the whirlwind it was. Thanks so much to my family, Krystal, Holli and my wonderful neighbors for all of their help. It was definitely crazy, but it made sense to us, and I've become a HUGE believer in the idea that if it's meant to happen... things will work out for you. SO TRUE! The planning went relatively smooth and without having swatches of colors for clothes, or any real idea of the exact colors we really wanted, everything came together perfectly! I found the perfect dress with just one stop at David's Bridal. We found matching suits for both of the boys, an amazing flower dress for Jessah (and Mesia got the same one for Christmas! So I got to have TWO flower girls!) My mom, Lana came to Utah the week after my birthday and was going to be here without making a second trip... I mean really? Everything literally fell into place! I still get a huge grin on my face when I think of how amazing it was!

In between the wedding madness came Christmas. My family was thrilled by a surprise visit from my brother Kaesey who is serving in Iraq for a second time. We weren't expecting him until March! We did the crazy Christmas that is ridiculously busy, but it's our tradition and we love it! My kids, like most kids, were completely spoiled and loved every second of it. I've never seen them sleep SO well!

New Year's was spent at home with my husband. I still love the sound of that. January flew by. My sweet Jessah turned 4 (going on 14). And that was January... Wow. Productive, eh?

February... I started working at a restaurant part-time for some extra $$ and a little away time with some grown-ups. Staying at home is super rewarding, but I needed a change I guess and the little bit of income really helps us out.

The kids are fantastic. AJ is starting to read. The program at his school has been phenomenal. His teachers are amazing and we're all really proud of AJ and the effort he puts into learning. He loves to be praised and makes sure to do what is needed and expected of him in order to earn it. :) Jessah is my little queen. I would say princess, but she demands more than that. We're having a really hard time with potty training. I know, she's four. I think it is kind of a Middle Child Syndrome thing going on. It's either that, or a medical problem. I'm leaning towards the first. It's been really hard for her since Glaiden has required more physical attention and more teaching. Plus, AJ is going to preschool and I think she just feels a little left out. I'm working on that and we've done much better now than she was doing a month ago. Glaiden is ... oh boy. My tornado. He is all over the place, babbling and learning new words daily. Trying to keep up with the big kids and all in all... a nut. His new words are Joe Joe (doe doe - one of our dogs), Zeus (seus - another dog), kitty (key key), cracker (cracka), cookie, num num, dog, ruf, uh oh (not really new, just another meaning - blanket), Krystal (dyduh) and cheese! Yeah, those are my children... my crazies, but my life. I love them more than anything and I am definitely one proud mom.

I really can't believe it's been five months since I've posted anything. I hope I will post more often, now that I realize how much goes on in just a short time. No promises though. ; )

I played around on Facebook and watched a movie while I was writing this and it's now almost 1:15. I'm in my family room because I had to plug the laptop in to finish this, my husband is still snoring in the bedroom, I am completely exhausted with a huge headache on top of my cold, and I've probably rambled through half of this. I'm going to apologize profusely for that and I'm going to call it a night. Hope you all have a fabulous week, month, year or decade. (I have no clue if I'll be post before then, so I figured I'd cover my bases)

Goodnight and sleep tight!