Ashley and David Behrens: March 2012

*Disclaimer* I'm sad. I'm going to ramble. The more I write, the more I cry. I need this though.

I don't know what exactly is going on. If this is petty, so be it. I don't mean for it to be. A lot of people have MUCH bigger problems in their lives, and I know that. But right now, I'm sad and I feel helpless. I need to vent, and then probably go cry for a while. Then maybe I'll feel a little better. I think I just need to let it all out. If you don't want to read this. Don't. It's probably going to be depressing, but that's how I feel, and this is the only outlet where I can let it all out my way.

I didn't always live in Jerome. I didn't want to move there in 8th grade. I liked my friends in Utah, I liked my life, and I was in those early teenage years where the change was going to be the end of my life as I knew it. And then to move to this itty bitty dairy town... blah! Not cool. We lived on the outskirts and I hated it for a long time. I missed my friends (horribly) for what felt like an eternity. And all of a sudden (I don't remember why or how) I loved it. I loved knowing almost everyone in my class. I loved being a part of something so family like and close knit. Not until my adult life, did I realize the impact this little town had on me. And this month, I miss it. I am missing out on letting this town know what it means to me. I feel like I'm letting them down.

Like I said in my last post, a classmate of mine was killed in Afghanistan last weekend. He was a friend. A nice kid to everyone, no matter your popularity, looks, intelligence, athletic ability, talent... he was nice to you. Almost everyone considered him a friend. He wasn't my best friend, by any means. I never dated him. Come to think of it, I never really even "hung out" with him. But when you're from a small town, with a graduating class of under 300 students, where you go to the football games because if you don't, there's not really anything else going on that night, something like this stings.

A soldier who is killed in the war is devastating. Then add in these factors:
+ I knew the nice kid from high school = more sad and makes this 9 year war SO real and personal.
+ He was supposed to come home in THREE weeks = so close and yet too far.
+ He was married = I can't imagine losing my husband.
+ He had 3 month old twin girls = Poor, sweet, innocent girls.
+ He never got to meet them = How is that even fair? Seriously?

This is more than just a sad story to me. This is where I grew up. It's the one place (I've lived in many) that I consider my home town. I knew this person. I liked this person. And I'm too far away to tell anyone that knows him better than me, that I am SO sorry for their loss. If I am this upset over this, can you imagine his wife?? His family? His CLOSE friends? Other military families we went to school with who live in fear of this everytime their spouse is deployed? It breaks my heart into a million pieces every. single. time I think about it. Which is a lot lately.

I want to go to his funeral. I need to go. I feel like I need to cry with my hometown friends who understand and are feeling the same way. I want to be there to support this hero that I knew, and those that knew him so much better than I did. To let people know that I am so incredibly grateful for the sacrifices that our military (and their families and friends) make for this country. We take it for granted entirely too often.

I can't be there. And I feel like everytime I reason why, its not an acceptable reason and I cry again. The funeral is at 4:00 on Saturday, April 7th. David's birthday is on April 8th. (Easter Sunday) It's his 30th birthday and we've planned a big bbq for Saturday... I can't be gone. We can't ask friends with kids to come to our house on Easter Sunday for a birthday party and take them away from their family.

David is an incredible person. He's sad for this soldier and his family and friends. He doesn't like seeing me upset and in this funk. I try to pull out of it and act like I'm okay. He was totally okay with me going. He understood and was supportive. When we found out when it was he told me he's sorry that I'm not going (more than once). I don't want him to be sorry. It's no one's fault. It's my husband's birthday and I want to be with him. I choose him (and my children) over anything. It's just life getting in the way. Blah!

For any of my friends that read this: Know that I will be there in spirit. I will be thinking of Dan and his loved ones. I will have his friends, his wife and beautiful baby girls, the rest his family and my friends in my thoughts and prayers and be thinking of all of you on Saturday.

The last few weeks have been insane. That's the only word I can think of that comes close to describing it.

A great friend of ours was diagnosed with breast cancer. (She's only 35) She will beat it, I have no doubt, it's just a shock to all of us. Cancer is scary. Its a scary word all by itself, and then to associate it with such a close friend... it leaves you speechless. And hearbroken. And, truthfully, it pisses you off. A lot. I'm doing better this week. Mainly because I want to be supportive and a strong shoulder to lean on for her, so I'm not allowing the bitterness to get the best of me. Wish me luck.

We decided to put our house on the market and start looking for a new home. We'll stay in Cache Valley, but we want to be on the outskirts just a little. The last few weekends we've been working really hard on painting, fixing and cleaning up the house, and decluttering... oh the decluttering. Let's just hope that the next house we're in... we're there forever! We're hoping to have the house up for sale by the middle of April or the beginning of May and cross our fingers that it doesn't take too long to sell. We'll see though.

A.J. was in Woodruff Elementary's production of Chicken Little. There were 2 weeks of rehearsals (from 2:30-4:00 everyday after school) and FOUR showings on Friday. He was a chick and loved every second of it. I got a couple of pictures... of course, I sat on the wrong side of the stage to get good pictures of A.J. so here's one with the other chicks, and a couple of the play in progress.

Singing "The Sky Is Falling Down"

Chicken Little, Rooster Wooster, Cats, Cows and Dogs. (I think)

AJ and the other Chicks

Today was a rough day too. I recieved a phone call from my best friend from high school telling me that a classmate of ours was killed in Afghanistan yesterday. He was such a good kid in high school, and an incredibly kind hearted person. He had an infectious smile and a great attitude. He was supposed to come home in just 23 days to meet his brand new twin daughters for the first time. It was devastating news and a tragic loss for everyone that had the pleasure of knowing him. Our prayers are with his family and loved ones. Rest in peace Dan.

It's been a little hectic around here, but we're surviving and making use of the warm weather we had this weekend. 71 and 72 degrees in Logan (in MARCH) is never something to complain about. Just ask these cute kids.